Continued...
I lost some weight. I wasn't eating, taking care of myself like I used to. I looked aggrieved. They gambled in a room down the end of the corridor. There were lots of guys there, guys living in the lodge and various other guys who would come to join them. They would gamble from morning till sometimes 12am, 2am the next day. They were always very noisy. Sometimes they would bring their cards to the room I was staying. I was still not going out or mingling. I was just always on my own.Those around accepted me that way as someone who wasn't social and sick.
How did you finally get a phone, because at some point you didn't have one?
I finally got a phone after some weeks in Enugu. I started going out once in a while. But at this point I was already into lots of drugs and a total mess. I was strongly addicted. I was deep in my thoughts, carefree, and living in my self-created reality, I wasn't seeing things for what they were, simply put, I was just existing. The guys that my brother and I were squatting with decided to relocate to another apartment after their rent expired, so my brother told me that "his rent" had expired and wanted us to stay with those guys as they relocated. He really talked to me as though I didn't know better. I actually never had a deep and truthful conversation with those guys. I was always on my own and deep in my thoughts. I was always absent minded.
We moved with them to the new apartment, not so far from the old one. I started attending lectures, processing my admission, registration and all. In that sick mental state, I was like a ghost. My brain was slowly dying on its own. I was like a zombie. My choice of things changed. My choice of clothings, the way I dressed was like "I don't care about life anymore" . I was just there but not there. Classes were difficult for me because I had these toxic emotions, heavy thoughts and feelings, this sickness that's in me that wouldn't let me be, I couldn't make friends, mingle, or be social. I had no friends, I had no one walk up to me to ask about anything or talk about anything. My facial expression was sickening. My aura was uninviting. My life was just gone before me. I wasn't active. Weeks passed, months. There would be birthday parties at the lodge I wouldn't attend. Those two guys would call me to join them, to be active, to do stuff but I wasn't just feeling it. I was closed off from the world and life in general.
After a few weeks my brother was gone. He wasn't sleeping in the house, he wasn't coming back anymore. He was just gone. I was still trying to focus on my registration and studies and everything about school. The house was becoming unbearable for me. Those guys were the ones providing the foodstuff. I couldn't even call home to tell them about anything. I couldn't relay back information about anything. I was just living in my bubbles. I noticed a change in their attitude. I called my brother several times to find out where he was and what he had been up to. It was always a pointless conversation for me because somehow I felt he didn't want me to know his whereabouts. One of those guys finally disclosed where he was to me. He was squatting with one of his course mates, a N100 ride from where I was staying with those guys. I paid him a visit one Sunday. The apartment was well furnished. His friend was cool and friendly. His friend was into internet fraud. They were into smoking and all. After a few more visits, I had to leave the other guys because I was starting to feel uncomfortable among them. One was actually making me feel like I should make plans for myself and leave. So I left for the new apartment. It was at this place that everything about drugs got to its peak for me. I smoked out of pain, bitterness, anger, frustration of the anxious and depressive thoughts.
In that lodge, there was an SS patient and his friend living in a different apartment. We were all like one family. We cooked and ate together. Everyone was into drugs.This was the escalation point. The SS patient had stopped going to school. He was really tired of life. He was addicted to pentazocine (the pain relief drugs prescribed to him). He spent lots of money to purchase the drugs 3 times or more in a week. He buys them in bulk. He did pentazocine, weed and cigarettes. His friend did Tramadol, codeine and weed. My brother did weed and tramadol, his friend did weed and alcohol. The SS guy liked me. Somehow we would sit together and talk about life. We smoked cigarettes together. I did weed with the others, tramadol, codeine, alcohol but never pentazocine. I and the SS guy could finish a pack of cigarettes in a day. There was no day that passed that we didn't get terribly high just to forget whatever pain there was.
Years later I realized the bond between me and that guy was just PAIN. He was feeling disappointed about his SS status, the mistakes of his parents, his inability to be like others, the episodes of body pains he had to endure, the girl he loved so much and was in a serious relationship who left and I was going through the pain of not being able to speak out about anything. Not being able to talk to my mother about her unfaithfulness and infidelity, mind you, she continued the affair. They were in some sort of a relationship. I got to know about it a certain day while I was with her phone and a text message came in. I checked the message out and it was from the guy, I read their entire conversation. My mother was very critical about my downfalls and shortcomings. She spoke to me as if she was perfect, as if she had a perfect life. I took all those words of hers in and was fighting the urge to lash out back at her for her own sins.
At school, I was soaked in drugs, entirely soaked. I would go to school in a zombie state. Slightly aware of myself, half of me baked by drugs, the other in pain, depression, hallucination and anxiety. I was just a total mess.
I kept on pushing hard for school until my departmental clearance was rejected by the HOD of my department. He rejected me because according to him I didn't credit biology in my o'level exams and there was a course called paleontology which I would offer in my third year and without biology I could not offer the course. I met with the dean of my faculty, and I reported the case to him because before choosing Geology and mining I did my research on that and from the school website and brochure it stated that the requirement is biology or any other science subject. I had geography, economics, physics, English, maths, chemistry except biology and agricultural science which I had a D.
The dean had to pull out the brochure in his office. He checked and knew I was right. He checked my papers and noticed I was supposed to be cleared. He said I should call the HOD of my dept for him. I should tell the man that he wants to see him.
He sent you to the HOD himself? Wow!
Yes he did. I returned to my HOD's office and informed him about it. He yelled at me in front of everyone present. He abused my looks and that I smelled badly. He said he would not go to the dean's office and if the dean wanted to talk to him he should come by his office. Tears poured down my cheeks that day in the presence of everyone. I cried bitterly because I was already messed up mentally and messed up with drugs. I think he had no other way to kick me out of the department. I was not social. I was not being carried along by others. I was without friends. The only people who tried to fake friendship with me were people who were out to gain something from me. I reported back to the dean on what the HOD said. He did absolutely nothing. He told me that he could do nothing for me.
After dropping out of three universities, losing 8 years, today he is an undergraduate and has been clean for 2 years.
We are lucky to have you, clean, sane and strong. You're an inspiration to a lot of people out there. Thank you for sharing your story and lessons with the world.
I'm glad I could share.
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inspirational
If you are going through challenges, don't suffer alone, share with someone that is important to you.
ReplyDeleteParents should understand that providing money without being present in their child's life will only result into regret(s).