Continued...
Wow! How did that happen?
I was the only child around. My dad travelled to set up a business in another state. I slept off in the parlor only to wake up at night to notice some sort of strange sounds. I walked towards my room to figure things out and I saw my mom rushing out of the room, trying to adjust her wrappers, I was so sad and devastated but I never mentioned it to her. I was raised with so much discipline in a religious way. My parents were strict and intolerant of nonsense. Every mistake came with a consequence and a price.
I really didn't know how to process the feeling so I bottled it.
I returned to PH without saying a word about it to my mom. It affected me days and years later, If I had known I would have reacted or expressed myself the true way that I would have, rather than suffer the lack of not processing that emotion and feeling the years that followed.
It affected my relationship with my girlfriend. She noticed the changes in me and asked, I couldn't hold it back so I shared it with her.
She talked to me in the best way that she could. I never acted in any way as though I was in any way affected by her unfaithfulness or infidelity. I acted as if it all never happened. As if that aspect of my memory is false like it was all just wax that should have melted away in some way. It was killing me inside but I did absolutely nothing to ease myself of the hurt and pain.
I felt better with drugs. I would get very high with weed and sleep, I loved the feeling it gave me. The sort of powers it gave my mind, the way it could alter my mood and thoughts and gave me some sort of divine vibes. I started writing down some songs as well as at that time. Remember I wasn't going to school so I had time, weed, music and my girlfriend as companions. I was writing down thoughts as lyrics. I bet an imbalanced mind is artistic in some way or so I thought. I wasn't hooked on weed at this time. I had my control and if anyone talked about addiction I would say it wasn't my case. I would laugh it off like how could this ever get to me? It's nothing, I have control and all.
My mother discovered somehow that I wasn't in school. She came to PH from Calabar where we lived and I had to return back home. I was having relationship issues at that time. We weren't talking for weeks, I eventually cheated. It was the first and only person I had ever cheated on my ex with.The fling continued for a while. My ex noticed the changes in me, how I snuck out to answer phone calls, secretly reply texts, She asked but I always denied
It.
I never wanted to hurt her that much so I started living in denial. One day I called her by the other girl's name and all hell let loose, we eventually broke up. Fast forward to when my mom discovered that I wasn't in school, my parents were very mad at me. I was living like a stranger at home. No one talked to me, I was like an island. And at this time I wasn't smoking anymore. It had no hold on me. I wasn't even thinking about smoking, I just wanted to make things right for myself, I was always indoors.
So it was an on and off thing with the weed and drugs.
Yes, it was
My parents are business people. They would leave the house and I'd be alone. My siblings were all in school. Some in secondary school and the other one in university. But they were all borders and living away from home. This was when depression and anxiety started kicking in. I was secluded mentally, emotionally and physically. At home I was walking on eggshells. I had no one to turn to. I was so down. I registered for jamb before leaving pH and the center I chose was there so I had to go back there to write the exams.
This was a week after we broke up. I planned on talking to her to mend things and spend the night there, write my exams the next day and return back to Calabar. I went to her place, knocked several times but no one responded though I knew someone was in the house. She didn't open the door. I had two guys who squatted with me while I was still there I called them. They told me to come to their house. I called, texted, and tried all my best to reach her. Finally she agreed to meet me. She came out of the house.We talked, I apologized. I was mad at myself for ever giving her a reason to be the way she was at that present moment.
I was so angry with myself for cheating. I smashed my phone on the wall out of anger, fragments of it flew everywhere. It was like you had a very good woman. A very nice, sweet and kind woman and then a street girl made you lose her, that sort of thing. I felt terrible, everything I said fell on deaf ears. She played on my intelligence that she would think about everything. I told her I had only her at the moment and had no place else to pass the night she then said her man was going to come around to spend the night with her that evening and he wouldn't be happy to see me around. I was shocked!
Her man??
Yes. At first she made mention of a new man to me while I was still at home. She told me she already moved on in the relationship a week before we broke up officially. That I was actually in the relationship by myself I totally had no other option. My phone was damaged. I had no contacts to call. At this point, It dawned on me that I could not change anything.
This was in February 2015 everywhere was getting dark I begged her to just spend the night at her place. She asked me if I would be able to spend the night with she and her man in the same house. I had zero available options so I told her I would even if it was to lie on the floor, she agreed. She called the guy to seek permission, he agreed.That night was one of the worst nights of my life, I cried from the moment I laid on the ground until the morning I caught a bit of sleep though but my heart was so heavy I was so cold my feets were were shivering. I felt like I was dying.
Her man actually spent the night?
Yes he did.
That's so hard to take in
Days later she told me her man slept with a kitchen knife on him In case I had intentions to harm him. I slept on the floor while they were on the bed.
Your exam must have been the last thing on your mind
Yes. I wasn't even thinking about the exams. I placed the relationship above that. I just wanted her back by any means necessary
Simply put, you were desperate
Yes. My mind was heavy and bitter. In the morning I left her place, went to write the exams. After writing the exams I went back to her place to get my belongings. At this time she was able to reach one of the guys that squatted at my place. I connected with the guy then left. I finished my exams late so I couldn't return to Calabar that day. I spent the night at that guy's place. I was like a ghost. I stayed indoors. I returned to Calabar after a few days. This was how I went back to weed.
What did you hold on to while indoors?
Books. I was just reading books. I was without a phone, always alone because those guys would leave for school . They would return after lectures. I left my family house to go to my uncle's place so I could attend jamb class, he was a bachelor. He smoked weed secretly. At this time I was not on social media because i was still without a phone. No one could reach me. I could reach no one. I was in darkness, depression was high, self hate, anxiety, and isolation. Everything toxic and negative was just too close to me. I felt disconnected from reality and became absentminded. My mind was occupied by lots of things. My brain was thick and filled. I couldn't think of anything else but questions, where did I go wrong, how did I go wrong, what happened? I found some weed in my uncle's shoes.
I started smoking them then sleep for a while. It helped shut my mind against reality and the thoughts before me. I made friends with some locals there. They were guys that were not really well-mannered and as educated and knowledgeable as me, they smoked too mostly in the evenings. I was still trying to attend the jamb classes but this time a lot of damage was going on mentally. I was losing it.
What happened to the exam you had taken earlier?
I didn't make the cutoff
Did you ever confide in anyone about your struggles, at the peak?
There was no one to confide in.
I would lash out at the slightest talk. I felt everyone could see my thoughts, my mind, my brain, I mean the entirety of my head and what was going on inside of it. I was going crazy. I really had no one I could confide in, just the weed.
The thoughts were compiling, the what ifs, what could haves, what would haves. Various magnitudes of thoughts. I wrote that jamb and made the cutoff. I applied for studies at Enugu State University of science and technology for geology and mining. I was given admission.
I left Calabar to Enugu in a sick state. I had a bike accident the first day in Agbani, the community where the school is located. My elder brother was schooling there already. He was supposed to be in 300 level. He had an apartment because my parents were paying for that. I got to the apartment where my brother was supposed to have an apartment. I went there with my mom, she came to Enugu with me.
So you were hooked on the weed from 2015-2017 or there about?
From 2015 - I was smoking weed only. In more volumes that I used to smoke in PH.
My mom was seeing the signs of problems I had but she couldn't lay a finger on what it was. I revealed to her that I broke up with my ex. She knew I was in a relationship with her but hadn't met her before. She didn't know how deep my mental health deteriorated. She said a few words and felt it was enough to heal me. I knew I couldn't trust anyone with my healing because everyone is actually going through stuff and no one would/could really understand how deep you feel about something or how intense an emotion is. You can only say words and express things but no one can share the feeling to understand the degree and extent.
What would you have preferred she did to help you?
I believed that at that point if they had calmed themselves down and not pressured me to get back to school again, If they had really settled down to understand me, interact with me, if they had given me the room to share things with them from childhood years, if they were never the "thou shall be perfect" type, if they were a bit realistic about certain things and not always think everything has to do with some sort of spirituality, if they had actually done some great parenting I would have fixed myself in the genesis and it would never had gotten as worst as it did in Enugu.
To be continued....
Tags:
inspirational